Each step matches a word and thought. I look to the right over mirroring water and sunset air. Even this beautiful view has nothing on my Nebraskan sunsets…I’ll spare a recounting of today’s journaling because it was a trip down dark pathways and empty halls. Today was a day of pajamas and hugging my knees, a day of not showering until 7:30PM, and eating a baguette and peanut butter. I’ve been honored by having wonderful people in my life who have opened up to me in the most heartwarming and trusting way. I can only hope, to work everyday to be a worthy enough person for that gift. When someone trusts you with themselves, it’s like holding the thinnest and most beautiful of glass spheres—terrifying and exhilarating.
Sometimes, I feel inadequate and uncomfortable in what I can only describe as unequal reciprocity. I want to open up and share myself just as much as others do it with me, but it terrifies me to give my cracked sphere tainted with dark spots. One made opaque by experiences and events that came and took a little bit of the shine from my crystal ball. Each step I take formulates these words and I keep them in my head to write them when I get back because I can’t forget. I can’t keep them to myself like before.
Sometimes, I feel inadequate and uncomfortable because I can’t find a place or reason for my feelings, or my unfitting mood. They warned us about loneliness, and sadness, homesickness, and culture-shock, but when they tell you to «enjoy every minute,» «have the time of your life,» and « take it all in,» missing home and having a mental countdown seems like I’m failing at something. I am taking everything in. I am enjoying it. I am also realizing that the «time of my life» expands way beyond these four months to lazy summer nights, shared laughs, and warm hugs.
Today was a day of not leaving the bed, watching English videos, and writing until my hand hurt. It was also a day of facing the fact that it felt uncomfortably similar to fuzzy, half-memories of days where I just couldn’t. Some know and some don’t about those last years of high school and early years of college—such a big part of my life, and yet a minuscule part of what I want to define me. I struggled and some days I still do. I’ve covered myself with work and school and one-too-many things to do because when its me and my thoughts it can get tricky. But I’m not hiding behind half smiles, 15-hour days, and invented assertiveness anymore because I want to give that cracked and tainted sphere to those I care about…
I know what I need to do to keep moving forward—step by step. I want to come back a slightly thicker and more resistant sphere, and the wonderful thing about glass is that you can melt it down, reshape it, and make something new with it. I’m taking a break because 1) I have midterms in two weeks and I am not put together the way I need to be, 2) I need to practice staying in the French language, 3) It is draining me to be split physically, mentally, and emotional in two different parts of the worlds right now. I miss home. I really, really miss life at home. And right now, there is nothing I can do to fix that except work on coming back better through this burning transformation.
As a wise lady told me, «Do everything for yourself in this trip Jess. If you don't want to update the blog, don't update the blog, if you don't want to talk to people, then don't do that either. I fully understand if you need to take a break from me and everyone else to get acclimated. This is like moving in again freshmen year, and if these things are going to feel like a burden or make you homesick, don't do them. Everyone just wants you to have the best experience you can possibly imagine. Maybe this isn't how you're feeling at all, but if it happens to be or if these feelings come later down the road please know that they're okay.» They are okay, and so am I.
In a week I’ll be running in Lyons. In two weeks I will be running in Paris. In three weeks I will be in Spain. I’m leaving the laptop here for each trip, and the only thing I can say is that I’ll be careful and I will stay safe. I’m keeping each of you in my thoughts and heart. I’m also going to keep my distance as the blaze burns to melt me down to primary material…
